Identity erosion after psychological and narcissistic abuse

After years of supporting women leaving abusive relationships, one deep impact stands out: the lost sense of self.

I recently created an online guide to reach more women with the knowledge and experience I have gained through years of working with abuse, healing, and post separation abuse. When the guide was ready, I invited women from my community to try it.

One of the first steps may seem simple: reconnecting with yourself.
Creating a safe haven in your new home -  choosing colours, scents, decoration, music. Small, everyday choices that help restore a sense of self.

One woman struggled more than expected. She had left a psychologically abusive relationship a few years earlier and she could still not recall her favourite colour - nor her preferred style of furniture and decoration.

Identity erosion in psychological abuse

Within psychology, this is described as identity erosion.

Identity erosion does not happen overnight. It develops gradually through long-term psychological abuse, where a woman’s thoughts, feelings, preferences and expressions are repeatedly questioned, corrected or invalidated.

Over time, expressing oneself stops feeling safe. Gradually, she loses her sense of what she likes and dislikes - her taste, opinions, style and desires.

Narcissistic abuse and shifting realities

In narcissistic abuse, identity erosion is often accelerated by constantly shifting rules. What is appreciated one day is criticised the next. What is considered “too much” today may be “not enough” tomorrow. No behaviour reliably leads to safety.

This creates a psychological double bind: there is no correct response.

Over time, the woman stops trusting her own inner reference points. She stops checking in with herself and begins scanning the environment instead -  trying to anticipate what is expected in each moment, who she needs to be to avoid consequences.

Eventually, adapting feels safer than being herself.

This is why many women leaving narcissistic abuse describe a profound sense of disconnection afterwards. Their inner guidance has been systematically overridden for too long.

Rebuilding after identity erosion

When psychological abuse ends and external control disappears, the sense of self does not automatically return.

Rebuilding can take time. It is a process that unfolds in everyday life, through small, independent choices made without the need to explain, justify or adapt — returning to hobbies and friendships, slowly noticing what you enjoy, and allowing yourself to choose for yourself again. Over time, these choices help restore trust in your own perception and reconnect you with who you were before the relationship changed you.

If you want more structure and guidance in this process, you can explore my online guide here.
👉🏼  The RisingFem Guide